Welcome to the Faith Deployed...Again online book club, Day Six! (Not sure what this is all about? Click here.)
In Your Book: Before we begin, please turn in your copy of Faith Deployed...Again to page 74 and read "Two Are Better Than One" by Sarah Ball to get you thinking about issues related to reintegration. (If you don't have a book, don't go away! We'd love to have you join us for this discussion anyway!) Now Let's Talk: I've invited a special guest to lead today's discussion. Thank you to author and psychologist Dr. Gary Rosberg, of America's Family Coaches for the following insights into the topic of reintegration: “Gary and Barb, I want you to imagine spending a year without putting your kids to bed with night time prayers, celebrating Christmas morning worshiping and looking into the faces of those you love dearly, night after night of sleeping without your life time partner, preparing meals for one less significant person and turning your head to laugh, smile, share painful emotions or celebrate life with your spouse.” That, according to Retired Brigadier General Martin Graber, is the plight of the military families that we had been called to serve. It was 2006 and it was my first discussion getting a glimpse into the reality of military families during the separation of a deployment. The General’s comments got me hooked, and almost six years later we are still serving military families before, during and after deployment. And every time I look into the faces of you who serve, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and yet a bit stunned with just how you do it…day after day…month after month. While we were coaching military families at conferences and distributing 17,000 resources to support you all, we learned a few coaching tips that we believe can help you sharpen your serve of reconnecting during reintegration. [Tweet "Affirm before your spouse, your family and your Lord that we will not even utter the word, divorce."] 1. Plan prior to your deployment that the “D” word is off the table. I recently spoke with an Army Chaplain who shared with me that almost 50% of his brigade divorced in the last four years since returning home. One military marriage lost breaks my heart. His comment sent me reeling. Part of the solution is to affirm before your spouse, your family and your Lord that we will not even utter the word, divorce. What we will proclaim is that our marriage, although strained, will get to the other side and remain standing after deployment. Easy? Not in my estimation, but Barb often reminds me that Gary, you walk better with a limp. In other words, embrace the pain of the reality of how hard it is and rely on God, leaning into Him for strength as you persevere. 2. Persevering, although admirable, however, is not enough. We would also coach you to press into each other and Jesus during your reintegration forging a relationship of three. How? Consistently (daily whenever possible) pray together. We coach couples, military and civilian, to practice conversational prayer. How does it work? It isn’t preaching a three point sermon, guys, or ladies, laying out your wish list in the form of a prayer with your husband listening in. Instead literally share one sentence prayers of adoration of God, petition of needs or confessions of hard heartedness to God rotating from spouse to spouse. Just go back and forth a few times, thank God, end your prayer and celebrate that you DID IT! You prayed together — as elusive as that sometimes can be. Practice this regularly, not legalistically, but with grace on a consistent basis and watch your marriage grow. 3. Third, now that you have committed to staying and you are connecting in prayer, connect to each other. Grab a few minutes, a couple of chairs, face each other, turn off anything that plugs in or runs on a battery (all technology) and give each other your undivided attention for up to twenty minutes. Why? It will give you the husband and wife connection that will lead you to a great marriage experience. Twenty minutes a day (again not legalistically but consistently) will give you the foundation and the setting to connect, share, listen, learn, show compassion and love and grow in your marriage. Share about your day, your thoughts, needs and yes men, even your feelings. Take a shot at it and call me in the morning to tell me how you are feeling. Okay, don’t really call but email me at gary@afcoaches.com and let me know if this works! 4. As you persevere, connect to Christ; connect to each other, next boundary up! Barb and I call this guarding love. What does it mean? It admits that no matter how committed you are to each other and your marriage you have an enemy prowling at the door looking for someone to devour. My friend Dr. Howard Hendricks at Dallas Theological Seminary says, “the enemy will lie in wait for forty years to find the weak spot in the armor of a man. Just when you think you have the Christian walk buttoned down, Satan will come after you like a scud missile, take you out and then lie to you and tell you there is no hope for your restoration.” Two thoughts, friends. The first is I think it applies to women as well. Secondly, don’t get sucker punched into believing this lie. Are you vulnerable and at risk? Yes! But if you know Christ as your Lord and Savior you also have the power of the Holy Spirit to resist and also experience forgiveness when you stumble. Guard up! [Tweet "Be the first one to forgive."] 5. And lastly, if you want to have a successful reintegration, keep your heart tender and broken before Christ. Be the first one to forgive, to release your spouse for whatever it is that the enemy is allowing to be empowered to kill your marriage and harden your heart. I will often ask at marriage conferences have you ever had a hard heart? Heads nod throughout the venues…including mine. But I also know that a hard heart precedes isolation, withdrawal, toxic emotions and breakdown of the walls protecting your military marriage. What is the antidote? Let go. Surrender. Forgive. Be the first one to move toward your spouse and purpose to close the loop. Love your spouse the way Christ loves them. Unconditionally. Without reservation. Are there consequences to the offenses that occurred during deployment? Yes. Do they take time to heal? Yes. But when you choose to love again, when you choose to be like Jesus with skin on, when you choose to forgive you set a prisoner free to learn you have been the prisoner (Lewis Smedes great insight). Barb and I honor you as a military family. We applaud you for sacrificing and serving our great country and carrying the freedom of our nation on your backs. But I also plead with you; don’t let your family be a casualty of your service. Fight for your marriage and your family. And if you need help, America’s Family Coaches is here to lift up your arms. You are our heroes. Guard your hearts, Gary Rosberg Discuss: What is your biggest challenge during reintegration? Tell us one thing Dr. Rosberg shared today that you will try to implement in your own lives.
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