Book Club Day 5: Marriage Across the Miles

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In Your Book: Before we begin, please turn in your copy of Faith Deployed...Again to page 64 and read "Loving Without Seeing" by Linda Montgomery. (If you don't have a book, don't go away! We'd love to have you join us for this discussion anyway!) Now Let's Talk: Today's discussion is led by Linda Montgomery.

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1

There is a sentence in “Loving Without Seeing” which continues to stir my thoughts:

“Perhaps a married couple experiencing deployment is the closest picture of a Christian’s faith.”

In telling the story of my newlywed friends geographically separated by deployment, I compared their experience to lessons in faith. As they diligently kept journals of their fears and concerns, their lessons, their hopes and dreams . . . their thoughts, they were demonstrating belief that each other existed and cared deeply about what they were each going through. They demonstrated trust and faithfulness in their covenant relationship and longed for the day when they could be together again. Even though they did not see each other for six months while he served aboard a submarine without phone or internet, they put pen to paper in journals shared when they eventually reunited.

The comparison we can make in this faith lesson is summarized in my statement:

“Doesn’t that sound like what we do as Christians? We have faith in an unseen God. We know His character, we know that He loves us, and we trust Him to forgive us and care about us as we grow in grace. We know that He wants to hear from us in prayer—to hear what we are thinking, feeling, and learning from His Word. We know that He has promised to return, and we cling to that promise. We know that life as we see it now is only a foretaste of life to come and we have hope.” (p. 64,65)

That’s trust.

Recently, the Lord gave me another comparison between military deployment and life on this earth until, as believers, we are re-deployed to heaven to be with Him forever. The comparison takes me back a long ways—to our one-year separation during the Vietnam War. I was very young at the time, and we did not have any children. So our decision as to where I would live while my husband was gone was simplified somewhat by our circumstances.

I decided to set a goal: return to college and complete a graduate degree. I found a school which had a 13-month program . . . I applied, was accepted, found a job, and the military moved us. It sounds easy now, but it wasn’t. The classes were very difficult and I was so lonely in that small town. Most people there, including the other students, were baffled by my status of “married, but alone” . . . and had no real understanding of the war or its sacrifices. It was hard work.

But my husband and I wrote every day. We numbered the envelopes because so often the letters would get jumbled in their delivery—and sometimes stories wouldn’t make sense because critical information was missing from the day, or week, before in an out-of-cycle letter. We made cassette voice recordings for each other, which was a new gadget at that time. We sent each other packages when we could. In other words, we worked at our relationship. Looking back, it was hard work but it was worth it. The degree I received (taking final exams during re-integration is also hard!) was very helpful in the years to come in getting jobs. The experience that we had of communicating while separated set the stage for increased trust and confidence for the many other times of separation during my husband’s military career.

Until Christ returns or until we die, one of the things we are to do is to work while we watch and we wait.

The bottom line is—we prayed, set goals and we worked at it. We worked at our jobs and we worked at our relationship. I believe it’s the same for Christians on earth. Until Christ returns or until we die, one of the things we are to do is to work while we watch and we wait. Work to develop our spiritual gifts . . . work in service to one another . . . work to grow in grace . . . always for His glory. We are not working for salvation—that part is a free gift, totally dependent on His grace. But as we deepen our relationship with Him, He will reveal so much of His character and love. Sounds like marriage . . . sounds like Love.

So I believe that just as we are not to waste our time on earth until we see Christ face-to-face, we have the opportunity not to waste our time of deployment.

When I see couples being intentional about their time apart by setting goals to work at their love relationship, or possibly developing a new skill, memorizing Scripture, going on a trip—perhaps even a mission trip, getting new training, finishing a much-desired project, spending more time in prayer, keeping a journal or scrapbook, . . . whatever the Lord leads them to do . . . I affirm them for their faithful diligence and their wise use of time. No excuses—they make the most of the opportunities, however difficult.

Even this evening we had dinner with a family—the Air Force husband is leaving Saturday to be an I.A. with the Army in Afghanistan. I asked his wife, “Do you have a goal for this deployment?” She replied, “Honestly, last deployment I just wanted to survive (with 4 kids). And I did. This deployment I want to make the effort to thrive. I have signed up for a new weekly Bible study at my church. It’s going to take some study and homework, but I think it will be good for me.” I agree.

A good marriage takes hard work—at communicating, at unselfishness, at romance—and with God it is possible to overcome obstacles even as complicated as deployment.

As encouraging as this statement was tonight, I realize how easy it is to make excuses. For example, when The Love Dare (from the movie Fireproof) came out, my husband and I often heard, “I really need to do The Love Dare, but I can’t because we’re not together.” That really got to me, and I was determined to offer an alternative. I believe that having a good marriage takes hard work—at communicating, at unselfishness, at romance—and with God it is possible to overcome obstacles even as complicated as deployment. So I got creative and envisioned just how a military member and spouse would accomplish the forty days of The Love Dare while geographically separated by deployment (understanding that this is not possible in combat situations).

The result? The Deployment Dare. All forty days (on the sidebar of www.ExcellentOrPraiseworthy.org), perfectly mirror the dares in The Love Dare, but designed by the Holy Spirit to meet the challenges of separation head-on.

Does it work? Only if you work at it. Here is a dramatic testimony from a reader:

“My wife did The Deployment Dare for me last deployment to Afghan and it really changed our stale disconnected relationship to a vibrant one in 40 days. I had no idea she was doing it and by the time she was done with it our conversations were Greatly changed! We went from “Hi”, “now what”, “I don’t know”, “how are you” . . . to loving conversations about our future together and our children we were going to have and our home we were going to build. Now one year later we have the Deployment Love Dare to thank for our home we built which we would have never talked about, our new baby boy that was definitely not in the cards before we learned to successfully communicate, and a much stronger relationship. Please, if you haven’t tried this You Need To!!!!”

Part of loving without seeing is believing by faith, and I believe that you have a fighting chance to work at your marriage while you are apart. It’s like working on your relationship with God with gratitude until He calls you home—the effort has eternal rewards!

Loving Without Seeing? Have faith.

Discuss: 1. What goal could you set to work at during this deployment—or during this next year? 2. In what ways could doing The Love Dare or The Deployment Dare help your marriage?