love languages

With Valentine's Day soon upon us, let's talk about love. Many of you know that I had the honor and privilege of co-authoring The 5 Love Languages Military Edition with Dr. Gary Chapman a while ago. Working on that book helped me invest in my own marriage in ways that I hadn't before. It also improved my writing when it came to developing characters and relationships. Now, I am not a romance novelist, but there is love in my books: between spouses, sweethearts, parents and children, siblings. So what I'm about to share can be applied to every loving relationship in your books, too. The love language concept is simple but profound: what feels loving to one person doesn't necessarily feel loving to another person. Dr. Chapman has identified five basic "languages" in which we express and receive love: Words of Affirmation Quality Time Receiving Gifts Acts of Service Physical Touch As you develop your characters, determine which of the above is their primary love language, and be consistent with that. If her main love language is Words of Affirmation, we should see her really respond when someone verbally affirms, encourages, and supports her. By the same token, harsh words will hurt her very deeply. If a heroine's love language is Acts of Service, for example, a bouquet of roses at the end of a hard day will not impress her nearly as much as if the hero would pitch in and clean the kitchen instead.  Love languages can spark romance or conflict, depending on how you pair them. Use them to ramp up the tension between two people. Conflict happens when two people do not express and receive love in the same way. In my book Yankee in Atlanta, Edward's love language is Physical Touch, but his wife has been abused in the past, which makes it nearly impossible for her to bestow physical affection upon him. Worse, when he tries to show her his love in the same way he wants to receive it (touch), it triggers negative feelings in her. Edward feels shunned and unloved, which erases his motivation to treat her lovingly. It's a vicious cycle. When a person feels unloved, it's very difficult to want to behave in a loving way, especially if that particular love language doesn't come naturally. In Spy of Richmond, my character Bella Jamison wonders how her husband feels about her anymore because their most recent conversation---months ago---was clipped and short. His deployment has thrust a gaping silence between them which grates on her more than it would if her love language were not Words of Affirmation. So when she sneaks into Richmond to find him a prisoner at Libby Prison, she longs to speak and hear words that will bond them together again. Here's an excerpt from their first meeting outside the prison where he is chopping wood: Light and shadow fought within Abraham's eyes, and he breathed in deeply. Bella could almost see the wheels in his mind grinding laboriously. Until finally, "I didn't ask you to come."   Bella tried not to stiffen. "I got things I need to say to you."   He picked up his axe, scanned the perimeter, but did not look at her directly. Nodded, and she understood that she was to speak, and quickly.   Bella wanted to be smooth and eloquent, when her nature was to be practical and straightforward. Perhaps a little too sharp. She wanted her words to sing to him, draw a smile from his lips. She wanted them to be a tender caress, a balm to his wounds of both body and spirit. But they were standing in an alley outside a Confederate prison, with the clatter of horses and merchants and shoppers rattling the very air about them. As the guard's voice raised itself over Peter's, Bella's speech was chopped to bits by Abraham's swinging axe, and he did not look at her as she, dressed as the slave she had once been, dropped pieces of her heart from her lips. Knowing Bella's love language helped me understand how excruciating this interaction would have been for her. As you develop the primary and secondary love languages of your characters, think about whether there is a specific reason those languages are meaningful to them. Many times, we long for the expression of love that we have gone without. Edward's longing for Physical Touch relates to the fact that his mother died when he was too young to remember her, and he was raised by a succession of nannies who didn't touch him any more than they had to. In the example from Spy of Richmond, we get the idea that Bella may not have spoken Words of Affirmation much under normal circumstances ("her nature was to be practical and straightforward"), but the fact that so few words had passed between her and Abraham during the war brought that need to the surface for her.  Perhaps a character who grew up with barely enough food on the table really appreciates the love language of Receiving Gifts now. Not every character's love language needs to be born from their personal history. My love language is Quality Time, and I can't imagine a particular reason for that. But as you get to know your characters, perhaps you'll make some connections that add to their three-dimensionality. To further explore the love languages, check out www.5lovelanguages.com or find a copy of the book The 5 Love Languages. You'll be able to draw your own connections to the characters you're developing--and your own relationships will benefit, too, I'm sure!