post-deployment

Not the Man I Married: Dealing with PTSD in a Spouse

[[{"type":"media", "view_mode":"media_large", "fid":"1046", "attributes":{"class":"media-image alignleft size-full wp-image-2196", "typeof":"foaf:Image", "style":"", "width":"402", "height":"299", "alt":"salutetoflag"}}]]by Rosie Williams A note from Jocelyn: I first met Rosie during her Home Front retreat for military wives in Kansas City. As the wife of a Viet Nam veteran, I wanted to know what she would like to share with wives of today’s generation of soldiers/veterans. To answer my question, she wrote the following letter. As the wife of a Nam Vet, I am often asked what advice I would give to younger military wives. My husband was a combat infantryman, a Point Man in Viet Nam. One thing I hear repeatedly from military and veteran wives is that “my husband was not the man I married” after he returned from being deployed. I got married two months after he returned from Viet Nam and as a young wife, I could definitely relate to the changes war had on my husband. Even so, he was….and is… the same man I married. He is the same guy I committed to for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. He was wounded physically in Nam, and also has some wounds that are not visible, but he is the same guy I walked down the aisle with 39 years ago. In those early years of marriage, I realized the depth of the kind of love that God speaks of in Scripture. As the “honeymoon” stage passed, a new stage began that drove me to my knees to ask God how to love as He would have me love. Psalms 109:27 says “Help me, O Lord my God, save me in accordance with your love. Let me know that it is your love. Let them (him) know that it is your hand, that you, O Lord, have done it”. (NIV) Based on what I have learned about post traumatic stress and what I have studied through the Bible, here are some suggestions to consider: The changes you notice may be the result of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Recognize that post traumatic stress is a common reaction to an uncommon situation. It does not affect everyone, and those it does affect, may work through it differently. One thing is certain….if your spouse is going through PTSD, it will take patience and understanding on your part and there will be changes in your relationship. Learn to love you spouse in new and different ways. Although some of his actions, reactions and attitudes have changed, sometimes to his very core and soul, there is hope for emotional and spiritual healing over time. My advice to you would be to pray fervently for wisdom to know how to deal with not only his wounds….but also with yours. James 3:17 “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure, then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere” (NIV) Honor and respect the “warrior” side of him. If he processes his experience by telling war stories over and over….listen over and over. It’s not about whether or not he’s already told you something…it’s about him dealing with the powerful emotions going on inside. Whatever happens, avoid saying “Can’t you just get over it?” Instead, recognize that the well of grief inside, may be so deep that it could take years to process. If he processes his experience by withdrawing or withholding details of his war experience, understand that he may be trying to protect you from information and details that might haunt you if you knew them. He is wired, and trained, to be a protector….and that can include protecting you from horrible facts of war. In time, he may share more, but pressuring him will only cause further withdrawal. He may choose to do his sharing with other vets rather than you and that is ok too. If his memories cause him to be anxious or depressed, he may not be able to verbalize why he is feeling or acting a certain way. By educating yourself about PTSD and meeting with other women who are going through the same thing, you will gain much needed support. When you think about him being different from “the man you married”, try looking at this from a positive perspective, rather than a negative one. The man you married may have been somewhat immature, idealistic and boyish. The man who returned has been tested by fire and has more maturity, more strength, more knowledge, more understanding and hopefully, a deeper, more authentic faith. Imagine looking at him in a picture frame of who he is becoming as he processes experiences that have changed some of his behavior. If you can let your commitment carry you through the tough times, your love and more importantly respect for him will help him in his transition home and his healing process. Note: If your spouse is verbally or physically abusive to you or other family members, it is important to seek professional help and support. Lovingly encourage him to get help as well, but realize you may need to take the first step. Helpful Resources : www.hopeforthehomefront.com www.wivesoffaith.org www.pmim.org (Point Man International Ministries-Click on Outposts/Home Front ) www.crumilitary.org (Formerly Military Ministry) www.pwoc.org (Protestant Women of the Chapel-focus for those on an active military base)

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military

combat trauma

post-deployment

PTSD

veterans

Truths and Tips for the Spouse of a Transitioning Service Member

[[{"type":"media", "view_mode":"media_large", "fid":"1045", "attributes":{"class":"media-image alignleft size-full wp-image-2192", "typeof":"foaf:Image", "style":"", "width":"425", "height":"282", "alt":"happycouple"}}]]When my husband transitioned out of active-duty Coast Guard—a decision he had made freely, on his own—I was thrilled. Yes, we took a 66 percent pay cut when exiting the military, but we moved closer to my family, he found a job, we bought a house, and put down roots. Who needs lots of money when we have each other? I thought. This is enough. This is all I need. Soon, it became apparent that Rob was not as happy in our new civilian lifestyle as I was. He was moody, distant, and anxious. I was baffled. We argued more in those first six months of transition than we had since we had met. If I had grasped then what I do now, I would have stopped taking his personal struggle so personally. I could have supported him better. Eventually, though, the pieces fell together. What I Grew to Understand 1) His identity had been ruptured. Much more than a job, the military is a lifestyle, a mindset, a code of behavior. When one is removed from that, it’s like taking a star quarterback out of his team. He now has to find something else to place his identity in. Would it be family? His new job? Faith? Something else? These are soul-searching questions. 2) He felt isolated. The camaraderie found among military service members is unmatched. To be removed from such a brotherhood leaves a gaping hole in one’s sense of belonging and connectedness. Rob quietly mourned this loss. 3) He wasn’t doing what he had been trained to do. As Rob looked for a brand new career, he had to wonder if his years of schooling, training, and experience as a Coast Guard officer were a waste. Second-guessing his life choices was sobering, and learning a new trade could be overwhelming at times. 4) He experienced culture shock. As an officer, Rob’s orders were obeyed. When he supervised civilians in his new job, many of them were sloppy, disrespectful, and undisciplined. I bristled at his disgust with “civilians,” reminding him he was married to one. But now I understand what a shock it must be to go from military to civilian culture. 5) He wondered if his work mattered. Serving a higher purpose than oneself is important to service members. Whereas I was happy that Rob had a civilian job that paid the bills, he struggled to find a higher purpose in his work. What Spouses Can Do Though much of the work of transitioning must be done by the veteran himself, spouses have a vital supportive role to play. 1) Allow him time to grieve his losses and sort through questions about his identity. Don’t expect him to be happy all the time. 2) Plug into community as quickly as you can. Attend church, get him a gym membership, invite people over for dinner, encourage him to spend time with other men, especially veterans. As much as he loves you, he needs to connect with others as well. 3) Encourage him as he is learning a new vocation, and remind him how his previous time in the military is of tremendous value. Support him as he explores various jobs or opportunities to further his education. Realize it may take some trial and error to find a good fit. 4) Create your own family culture. Routines, traditions, and values are important in military culture. Establish your own for your own household, such as weekly Family Movie Nights, or an annual neighborhood picnic for Memorial Day. Decide as a family what your guiding principles are, and post them. 5) Assure him that what he does now matters. Point out his value to your family, your community, his new employer, etc. Encourage him to find new ways to give back to society, whether it’s by volunteering at a nonprofit, getting involved in local government, or mentoring children. Veterans find purpose and joy in helping others. Your transitioning spouse may not even realize all that he is processing (Rob didn’t), but your patience and encouragement in these areas can help smooth his path.

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