marriage

In honor of Military Family Appreciation Month, today we have with us guest blogger Marshele Carter Waddell. She is an author, speaker, and veteran wife of a Navy SEAL. Her book Hope for the Home Front encouraged me so much as a military bride, and I have been so blessed that she also contributed to several of my own books for milwives! We hope this post blesses you! I browsed the “marriage and relationship” section of my local Christian bookstore.  My heart was heavy, missing my husband…again.  I tilted my head to read the colorful spines of the latest releases offering proven ideas about how to strengthen and nurture my marriage.  The deployments, the distance and the passing of so much time had taken its toll on the most important relationship in my life. I selected two promising titles, paid at the register and looked forward to putting my head on my pillow that night to search the pages for the overdue nourishment my hungry marriage needed.  With the kids tucked and settled in, I did the same.   I cracked open the first book, convinced I would uncover the keys to rekindling the dying embers of a relationship weathered by this crazy military lifestyle. My high hopes soon dissolved into hilarity.  “Have a candlelight dinner,” the list began.  One place setting?  “Give each other fifteen-minute back rubs,” I read and snickered out loud.  “Tuck a love note in his lunch.”  Wouldn’t that ruin an MRE?  This is ridiculous, I thought, my comedienne quickly morphing into a sour cynic.  “Go for a scenic drive together.  Plan a romantic picnic.  Have a pillow fight.  Spend an evening in front of the fireplace.” My eyes grew hot and filled with tears.  Instead of equipping me with creative marriage-building ideas, the authors’ well-meaning counsel cut me to the quick.  At least 95% of their proven strategies were simply impossible for us as a military couple to attempt.  The miles and the months that routinely separate us render most marriage books and seminars pointless, even painful. Over the years, I’ve compiled my own list to live by, gleaning what I can from friends, articles and books.  More often, I’ve learned from experience what strengthens and sweetens a military marriage.  Here are a few ideas to try: Listen to “your” song.  Hit the replay button.  Let it stir sweet memories of times spent together.  Write your sweetheart an intimate love letter reassuring him/her of your devotion and giving him/her something to look forward to. Don’t fall into the e-trap.  While email is very handy and speedy, nothing replaces a letter penned by your own hand.  Spritz your letters with your perfume and seal it with a kiss. Spice up your lover’s mail box.  In addition to handwritten letters, send personalized, homemade audio cassettes, CDs, and DVDs for your loved one to enjoy.  Discreet intimate cards and gifts don’t hurt either. Create your own web site together.  Post all your news and latest photos weekly for your sweetheart.  Invite other family members to add their two cents, too. Have fun putting together personalized care packages for your spouse.   Keep an open box at your bedside.  When you are out doing errands and see something that your sweetheart would enjoy, buy it and toss it in the box when you get home.  Send your care packages every 2-3 weeks during the deployment. Create a blog and write a daily online journal to keep your loved one up to date. Keep a phone journal.  Jot down things that you want to tell your spouse when he/she calls.  Rule of thumb:  always say “I love you” before anything else, just in case you lose connection. Commit to improving your health and physical fitness while your loved one is away.  Work out.  Buy some up-to-date clothes.  Get an edgy hair style and brighten up with highlights.  Be sure to tell your honey that you are doing these things for him/her and that you look forward to your reunion. Choose something that happens occasionally in nature, i.e., a full moon, a brilliant rainbow, or a shooting star, and agree together that while you are apart, when one of you sees this, it will serve as quiet reminder of your committed love for one another. Celebrate missed birthdays and anniversaries anyway!  Take photos of the cake you made for him, blow out his candles, sing him Happy Birthday and send them in your next care package.  He’ll never forget your thoughtfulness. Spruce up his home office, den and/or garage work bench while he is away.  No mauve or lavender, please.  Use his favorite masculine colors and motif.  He’ll have a daily reminder of your affection upon his return. Scan photos of just the two of you.  Better yet, find the pre-kids snapshots.  Write personal captions for each one and send them in your next letter or care package. Plan a couple’s getaway to take place soon after his/her homecoming.  Make arrangements for your children to stay with family or friends.  You’ll have fun planning and anticipating it.  Having a mini-honeymoon to look forward to will brighten many a moment for both of you. I haven’t given up on marriage books entirely.  I just read their advice and keep in mind that most marriages never have to face the challenges that mine does.  I consider their suggestions and ask myself how we as a military couple can creatively apply them.  A successful military marriage requires a hero in the field and also a hero at home, both investing their physical and emotional energies into a relationship stressed and stretched by service. Before you go... Psst! If you haven't already, be sure to enter the drawing for military wives we have going on right now! The prizes available include The 5 Love Languages Military Edition, Stories of Faith & Courage from the Home Front, and Military Wives' New Testament with Psalms & Proverbs! Click here and follow the instructions at the bottom of the post to enter! [[{"type":"media", "view_mode":"media_large", "fid":"1242", "attributes":{"class":"media-image alignleft size-full wp-image-2434", "typeof":"foaf:Image", "style":"", "width":"200", "height":"280", "alt":"marshelecartrwaddell"}}]]About Marshele: A 25-year wife of a U.S. Navy SEAL, Marshele Carter Waddell is author of Hope for the Home Front: Winning the Emotional and Spiritual Battles of the Military Wife, Hope for the Home Front Bible Study, and co-author of When War Comes Home: Christ-centered Healing for Wives of Combat Veterans. She is also a contributor to Faith Deployed: Daily Encouragement for Military Wives. Visit Marshéle’s Web site at  www.hopeforthehomefront.com.

[[{"type":"media", "view_mode":"media_large", "fid":"796", "attributes":{"class":"media-image alignleft wp-image-1073 size-full", "typeof":"foaf:Image", "style":"", "width":"204", "height":"336", "alt":"FaithDeployedAgain_cover204"}}]]Welcome to the Faith Deployed...Again online book club, Day 14! (Not sure what this is all about? Click here.) In Your Book: Before we begin, please turn in your copy of Faith Deployed...Again to page 70 and read "The Path to Infidelity" by Marshele Carter Waddell. (If you don't have a book, don't go away! We'd love to have you join us for this discussion and give-away anyway!) Now Let's Talk: Today's discussion is led by Jocelyn Green. Disclaimer: Right up front, let me say that I know marital faithfulness is the responsibility of BOTH spouses. And I know that for every story of the wife breaking her vow of fidelity, there is another story of the husband having an affair. I get that. But because my books and blog specifically speak to the female audience, I'm using examples from other women, and using pronouns like "she" and "her" and "us." Please don't be offended, and please don't think for a moment that I think the husbands are off the hook when it comes to remaining faithful. In fact, if there are any men out there reading this, all of this can apply to you as well. Now, having clarified that, let's jump in. Nobody ever wakes up one day and decides, out of the blue, to have an affair. That's why, even if you think you don't need to read this blog post, I hope you will. The title of Marshele's devotion is "The Path to Infidelity" for good reason--it's a process. I once heard about a military wife who, during her husband's deployment, simply decided to carpool to choir practice with her neighbor. It seemed like such a practical, innocent decision at the time. But on the way to and from church, their conversations became more and more personal. A friendship developed, then sparked into romance. Eventually, they did have a physical affair. Not every emotional affair becomes a physical affair, but you can bet that every act of infidelity was once an emotional affair. [[{"type":"media", "view_mode":"media_large", "fid":"1096", "attributes":{"class":"media-image wp-image-2428 size-full", "typeof":"foaf:Image", "style":"", "width":"200", "height":"250", "alt":"shannonethridge"}}]] Shannon Ethridge   To help us understand more about this topic--affairs of the heart, if not of the body yet--let's hear from special guest Shannon Ethridge, best-selling author of multiple books for women on sexual integrity, sexual intimacy, and intimacy with God. (See her books here.) Jocelyn Green: What is your definition of an emotional affair? Shannon Ethridge: When a woman finds herself going out of way to get a man’s attention to have ego stroked by him, when she seeks to get affirmation from him other than God. This is very common in women, but it’s a myth that men are only physically stimulated, not emotional, and women vice versa. Which drive is primary could be determined by gender. If it’s not physical, is it innocent? It means you have crossed the line. You can be attracted to someone and that is innocent. Just because you’re attracted doesn’t mean that you’ve defiled yourself, it’s when you’re acting on it, trying to make it your own. What’s the danger of allowing an emotional attachment? Wherever a woman’s heart goes, her body will long to follow. The idea that’s its totally innocent, is deceiving. Eventually she is going to want to be physical with him, that’s how we humans are made. The more attached, the more overwhelming the longing to be physical. God says above all else, guard your heart (not your body). I can’t help but think he was referring to emotional affairs. [Tweet "God says above all else, guard your heart (not your body). I can’t help but think he was referring to emotional affairs."] Our hearts are so entangled it can be more destructive than a physical affair. One woman said her husband had sex, but had no emotion, so they didn’t fall in love. What are some warning signs that you may be starting an emotional affair? Obsessing over the person, thinking about him or her far too often, going out of one’s way to get person’s attention. Making up excuses to run into or call the person. Stop contact cold turkey if possible. Not everyone is in a situation where they can do that. If it’s a neighbor or co-worker, for example, it will take time to diffuse that attachment. I do think you can draw emotional boundaries, reel thoughts in, purify relationships. Maintain healthy boundaries. If you find yourself crossing boundaries over and over, then take drastic measures. What affect does an emotional affair have on the marriage relationship? On the kids? The wife starts comparing in her mind the new guy with her husband, for example, thinking of ways her husband doesn’t measure up. She becomes discontent, her husband can’t please her. It wears away trust, intimacy, passion. And it’s a very unfair comparison. No man who you’ve lived with for some time can measure up to a sweaty palm-butterfly feeling. That new feeling isn’t intimacy, it’s intensity. When that wears off, intimacy develops. When there is tension in a marriage, kids see it. That’s going to have an effect on them. All kids want parents to feel loved. Why do people get involved in emotional affairs? What is the attraction? It’s the feeling. Being desired by someone feels empowering. Being attractive to another person. So much of it is based on ego, vanity, insecurity. If we don’t believe we are beautiful (or handsome) by ourselves, if we don’t believe who we are in Christ, we start looking for love in all the wrong places. We can never place the burden of responsibility on our spouse’s shoulders to be our all in all. The emotional affair is not your spouse’s issue, it’s your issue. He didn’t drag you there, he probably didn’t push you there. We have to take responsibility for our own actions. We’ll either turn our energy to husband or outside the marriage. Is it possible to have a one-sided emotional affair with a fictional character or a celebrity? Absolutely. That’s the fantasy life. Not all fantasies are wrong, God gave us the ability to fantasize within God’s boundaries, but when we use that to fuel ungodly desires, that’s where we cross the line. I would say 50-80 percent of emotional affairs are one-sided. Does that mean it’s not tearing away at intimacy with the husband? It probably is. The wife is still comparing. Thank you Shannon for sharing with us today! Before we open up the disucssion to the rest of you, I'd like to bring us back one more time to Marshele's devotion. In the Faith Deployed...Again, she says: The emotional void and physical vacancy caused by the demands of military life leave us hungry for connection, conversation, and companionship.  The choice is ours.  The temptation is present daily in the lives of military wives.  An affair is a real experience or a real possibility we’ve all considered and a powerful lure for the tired, burned out, and lonely ones on the home front. . . . We’ve all wrestled with affairs of the heart, if not of the flesh.  We must choose faithfulness daily, hourly, sometimes in five-minute intervals. May we all choose faithfulness today. Discuss: What are some precautions you take to guard against emotional affairs cropping up? What is one thing that Shannon shared in our interview that really stood out to you?

My husband has low standards—for cooking, that is. As a bachelor, he often ate whatever he could prepare using a Mr. Coffee: Ramen noodles, macaroni and cheese, and his all-time favorite, Stove-Top stuffing, just to name a few of his specialties. His favorite food? “Leftovers.” Since we’ve been married, I’m proud to say he’s never eaten out of a coffee pot again, but he is still an enthusiastic supporter of leftovers, much to my relief. I serve them faithfully, at least once a week. I admit it. I am unashamed. But I have a bigger confession to make, and this one I’m not so proud of: the leftovers I serve don’t just come in the form of microwaved meatloaf or reheated rigatoni. More often than I care to admit, I give him my emotional leftovers, too. By the time he is done working for the day, I give him what’s left of me—and between household chores, home schooling our two children, and trying to meet writing deadlines in between, that isn’t much. It hasn’t always been this way. When we were dating and in the early years of our marriage, we saved more energy for each other. I stored up stories to share with Rob at the end of the day. I made an effort to be ready for him when he got home from work. Maybe this is the stage you are in right now, and can’t imagine it being any other way. But there will come a time when both you and your spouse pour yourselves into your day apart from each other so much that the evening hours are more of an afterthought than the highlight of your day. Watch out. Emotional leftovers are on the menu. And if they are the main staple of your marital diet, you will end up feeling more like roommates than soulmates. Now hang on a minute—before we go any further, I’d like to issue a disclaimer. One of the great things about being married is that you don’t have to put on a happy face and turn on your charm every time you’re around your spouse. We all have bad days, or quiet days, and that’s OK. If your spouse is having one of these times, try not to take it personally. Give a little space, and extend a little grace. When the bottom of the emotional barrel is truly empty, love each other anyway. Remember, it’s a choice, a commitment, not a feeling. However, having said that, we do want to guard against spending all our emotional energy on other people other than our spouse as our modus operandi. So what can we do about it? Try these suggestions to keep emotional leftovers off the menu: If something newsworthy or exciting happens during the day, think twice about telling and retelling the story several times to your friends or co-workers before you see your spouse again. With each retelling, you may lose a degree of enthusiasm—you will want to give more than a super-abbreviated, watered-down account to your spouse. Look for one thing every day that can make your spouse laugh, and share it with each other in the evening. If you have any control over your schedule, try not to do the most stressful tasks at the end of the day, right before you see your spouse again. That stress will easily spill over into your dinner time. When you are truly spent at the end of the day, tell your spouse. Then tell them what you need. For example, “Work was really stressful today, and I just need twenty minutes to myself to decompress. Then we can talk.” Or, as I often say to Rob, “I used up all my words on the kids today, so I’m sorry I don’t feel like saying much right now, but I would love to just listen to you share about your day.” If making dinner would really put you over the edge on a given day, pull out a frozen pizza or get carry-out instead. Some days it is worth the money to preserve your sanity so you can be emotionally present with your spouse. Using Facebook or Twitter to instantly poll friends when making a decision is extremely easy and gratifying. But before you do, take a moment to ask yourself if this would be something to talk about with your spouse instead. Surprise your spouse every once in a while with flowers, a favorite meal, or an impromptu date night. Recognize when your spouse needs a night for herself/himself. Virtually always, if you give your spouse the freedom to do whatever he/she wants one night (whether that’s watch a movie with friends, read a book in a coffee shop or simply go to bed early), your spouse will be able to replenish the emotional reserves tank and want to spend time with you again soon. Ask how you can pray for one another before going to bed each night. If you are perpetually serving emotional leftovers, be courageous enough to ask yourself if a lifestyle change is in order for the health of your marriage. Take a hard look at the stress factors and decide which ones you can decrease or eliminate. We all have days that completely drain us, so it’s inevitable that we will serve emotional leftovers to our spouses from time to time. But with a little intentionality to save some energy for the most important ones in our lives, we can keep our marriages fresh and satisfying.

AKA, What We Wish We Knew Before We Got Married by Jocelyn and Rob (the incredibly supportive husband) Green Our love story really isn’t very different from yours. We met. We hit it off. In a very short time, we knew we would end up marrying each other. We had a very intentional courtship, because when one of you is in the military, you seriously don’t have time to waste. Ten months later, we were married and—two days later—driving to Rob’s next Coast Guard duty station in Homer, Alaska. We had read a lot of books and done the premarital counseling thing, but somehow, The 5 Love Languages was not on the list. (Don’t ask me how this major oversight occurred. And don’t tell Dr. Chapman.) We wish it had been best kiwi online casino sites. The premise of The 5 Love Languages is this: 1.The things that make you feel loved may not also help your spouse feel loved. 2.You can learn to love your spouse the way he or she can receive it. But like I said, we didn’t really think about this. Here’s what happened. Read the full story here. [[{"type":"media", "view_mode":"media_large", "fid":"975", "attributes":{"class":"media-image aligncenter wp-image-1665", "typeof":"foaf:Image", "style":"", "width":"616", "height":"153", "alt":"5LLmil-MP for Web home page"}}]]