Faith Deployed...Again

Book Club Day 19: Letting Go

[[{"type":"media", "view_mode":"media_large", "fid":"796", "attributes":{"class":"media-image alignleft size-full wp-image-1073", "typeof":"foaf:Image", "style":"", "width":"204", "height":"336", "alt":"FaithDeployedAgain_cover204"}}]]Welcome to the Faith Deployed...Again online book club, Day 19! (Not sure what this is all about? Click here.) In Your Book: Before we begin, please turn in your copy of Faith Deployed...Again to page 232 and read "Letting Go" by Donna Mull. (If you don't have a book, don't go away! We'd love to have you join us for this discussion anyway!) This devotion and blog post fall under the "Blue Star Mom" category, but I'm sure a military wife would also be able to apply the truths found here. Now Let's Talk: Today's discussion is led by Sharron Carrns. After being a mom for twenty-seven years I have come to realize that we begin the process of letting go of our children from the moment they are conceived. With each cell that multiplies, and each tiny finger and toe that forms our bodies are preparing our babies to be born to live their own lives. We let them go when we give birth and the cord is cut. We let them go when they [[{"type":"media", "view_mode":"media_large", "fid":"1100", "attributes":{"class":"media-image alignright size-medium wp-image-2447", "typeof":"foaf:Image", "style":"", "width":"200", "height":"300", "alt":"momcomfortsdaughter"}}]]take their own first steps. We let them go when we send them off to their first day of school, and their first camp, and their first date, and their graduation. I cried and prayed and cherished every one of those days. But I never expected to have to trust God completely with my little girl serving in the Army during a time of war. There is a beautiful song by The Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir called "Still I Will Trust You." The words of this song have sustained me through many days as a mom. It first came to be a gift from God as I lay on complete bed-rest, fighting to keep from losing my second baby girl, who is now a teenager. I would wake in the night with the words of the song playing over and over in my mind… "Still I will trust You. Still I will follow. Still I will listen to Your every calling. While the storm rages on and I can't find my way, still I will trust You Lord.” The storm began raging a little over a year before basic training. Our daughter had her own faith from the time she was young. Everything seemed to be going according to our hopes and prayers. But that first year of college she began to struggle. The boyfriend who shared her faith broke her heart. Some childhood experiences we never knew about began to surface. Free to make many of her own choices now that she had left home, she decided she’d tried it God’s way and it hadn’t worked out as she hoped. She was going to try it her own way. Partying started. Grades slipped. Bills mounted. And an angry girl we scarcely knew emerged. Our pastor advised us to remove the safety net. Shortly after, the storm that was now raging took her to Iraq where she was the only woman in her unit. With this girl I was not flat on my back with bed-rest. Instead, I was flat on my face on the floor, crying out to God, “Still I will trust You. Protect her. Be relentless in Your pursuit of her. Open her heart and her ears to hear Your voice.” I asked God to protect her and let her know He was the only one who could help and sustain her. One Sunday, in the midst of it all, a friend told us she felt God was asking her to come to our home and pray with us for our daughter. We told her to come. At the end of our prayer time she said, “It may sound funny, but I think the work of Corrie ten Boom will be instrumental with your daughter.” The very next time we heard from our daughter she was crying on the phone, saying, “Mom, God stripped everything away from me but Him. I’ve been so lonely. There’s not even another woman here to talk to. I went into the MWR (Morale Welfare and Recreation) and decided to get a book. The first book I saw was that book you read me when I was little by Corrie Ten boom, about being in the presence of her enemies." We knew in that moment God was showing us we could trust Him through the rest of this storm and any storms that followed. We are an Army family. My husband, father, father-in-law, nephew, son-in-law and daughter have served this country while the rest of us “served” alongside them. The best service we ever gave was founded in prayer and trust in God. Still, I have searched my heart and wondered what I would do if baby girl number two, or our only baby boy, or the grandchild we are now expecting announced they were joining the Army. I can say I would be proud. And that our family commitment to this country is a legacy that goes on. I also know in my heart I would be as helpless as I felt with our first daughter. But helpless is the best place I can be, because it is a place of trust and dependence on the heavenly Father of my children. It was the only place of peace in the long year our daughter was in Iraq. Still, I will trust Him. He is the only help in all of my helplessness. He was with her before Iraq, He was with her in Iraq, and He came home with her from Iraq – in her heart. Discuss: 1. Psalm 121:1-2 says, “I lift my eyes to the mountains – where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth.” What words can you use to ask God to help you as you entrust your son or daughter to Him today? 2. How has God shown you that you can trust Him in the past? 3. The Psalms are full of heartfelt prayers and affirmations of trust. Read and claim in your heart Psalm 121:1-2 (see above), Psalm 9:10, and Psalm 20:7 (see below). Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. ~Psalm 9:10 Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. ~Psalm 20:7 *For more from Sharron, read "God, My Soldier's Parent" on p. 244 of Faith Deployed...Again.

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Book Club Day 18: The Battle Against Overboard Retail Therapy

[[{"type":"media", "view_mode":"media_large", "fid":"1099", "attributes":{"class":"media-image alignleft size-full wp-image-2377", "typeof":"foaf:Image", "style":"", "width":"283", "height":"424", "alt":"pinksweaterlaptop"}}]]Welcome to the Faith Deployed...Again online book club, Day 18! (Not sure what this is all about? Click here.) In Your Book: Before we begin, please turn in your copy of Faith Deployed...Again to page 224 and read "Declaring War on Debt" by Tonya Nash. (If you don't have a book, don't go away! We'd love to have you join us for this discussion anyway!) Now Let's Talk: Today's discussion is led by Tonya Nash. Money is a tool that we need to survive in this world and the mismanagement of it can cause plenty of problems. In the devotion, “Declaring War on Debt,” I talk about how my husband and I finally became debt free. But we certainly ran into some opposition on the road to victory! In our first year of marriage, my husband and I decided that we would start a tradition of taking “honeymoon trips” to celebrate every wedding anniversary. For the first year, we decided to go to a beautiful historic town on the east coast. While out sightseeing, we were approached by a vendor that talked us into attending a timeshare presentation. The incentive for attendance was pretty cool, so we decided to go. We were enticed by the beauty of the resorts and the opportunity to travel at a reduced rate. Then came the moment of truth. It was an on-the-spot decision because we never even considered buying a timeshare before. “But we deserve the opportunity to travel and stay at nice resorts, right? Living as a military family, we have to take advantage of every opportunity available to travel. My husband could deploy at any time and we need to make the most of our time together.” These were just a few of the reasons we used to justify the purchase as we signed the dotted line. We just hoped Uncle Sam wouldn’t interfere with the next 5 years of traveling we planned to do. The interest rate offered by the timeshare company was ridiculously high. “We give everyone that rate, regardless of credit,” the representative said. Since I had good credit, I figured that I could refinance it whenever we got home. Besides, the monthly payment wasn’t too bad. We returned home from our vacation and called our bank to see if they would refinance our loan. Imagine our surprise when we were told that they would not refinance it! We got the same response from several other banks. “Timeshares aren’t real property,” they said. While reading the timeshare paperwork, I discovered that there were other additional fees that had to be paid annually, even after the timeshare was paid off. By the way, did I forget to mention that I was unemployed at the time? Yes, I was unemployed and in between jobs. You know how it goes for military wives. It’s hard to find and keep a good job, especially when you are moving all of the time. My husband and I immediately started having buyer’s remorse. But God sent a ram in the bush. In small print, I read that we could get out of the contract without penalty if we cancelled within 7 days of purchase. You wouldn’t believe how quick I went to the post office to send off my certified cancellation letter! Please know that this post isn’t a slam against timeshares, but about avoiding the trouble that sometimes comes with feel-good purchases, otherwise known as retail therapy. There is a cost to every purchase. The financial costs are obvious, but what about the cost to your peace, the relationship with your spouse, and your credit? The life of a military wife can be challenging. Sometimes you feel like you deserve happiness that comes in the form of a new computer, car, spa day, or vacation. Who doesn’t enjoy a little retail therapy every once in a while? But those things only provide short-term happiness and can possibly bring long-term unhappiness once the bill is due. Here are some tips to avoid going overboard with retail therapy. 1. Sleep on it. Impulse purchases are usually a bad idea. Don’t feel like you have to purchase anything right away. Proverbs 21:5 tells us that, “The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty.” 2. Pray about it. It can be tempting to drown out feelings of sadness with purchases of material things. But the joy you get from those things are only temporary. God can give you joy unspeakable. Remember, the joy of the Lord is your strength (Nehemiah 8:10). 3. Talk about it. Have a financial accountability partner such as your spouse or a close friend. Consult with them before making purchases over a certain amount of money. Seeking the advice of others is supported in Proverbs 12:15 and 15:22. 4. Can you afford it? Count up the TRUE cost of your purchase. Don’t just look at the monthly payments, but also look at other things such as interest rate, maintenance, and overall cost. Luke 14:28 reinforces the idea of sitting down and estimating the complete cost. 5. Save for it. Even ants save provisions during times of abundance so that they can reap the benefits when its needed according to Proverbs 6:6-8. Set up a rainy day fund and pay cash for your retail therapy purchases. Discuss: What do you do to avoid going overboard with retail therapy?

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Book Club Day 17: One Day at a Time

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Book Club Day 16: Seeing in the Dark

Welcome to the Faith Deployed...Again online book club, Day 16! (Not sure what this is all about? Click here.) In Your Book: Before we begin, please turn in your copy of Faith Deployed...Again to page 212 and read "Seeing in the Dark" by Jocelyn Green. (If you don't have a book, don't go away! We'd love to have you join us for this discussion anyway!) [[{"type":"media", "view_mode":"media_large", "fid":"1098", "attributes":{"class":"media-image aligncenter wp-image-2608 size-full", "typeof":"foaf:Image", "style":"", "width":"425", "height":"282", "alt":"dontwalkaloneverse"}}]] Now Let's Talk: Today's discussion is led by Jocelyn Green. In the devotion you just read, I shared the story of a Marine wife who once felt so in the dark, unable to get her bearings or see any light at the end of the tunnel. For her, the cause was her husband's PTSD and TBI. For others, a similar feeling could be caused by any number of other situations. Singer/songwriter Sara Groves has a great song on her Fireflies album called "From this one place." If you have a few minutes, you can listen to it here: I love the chorus: “From this one place I can’t see very far/ In this one moment I’m square in the dark/These are the things I will trust in my heart/ You can see something else” [Tweet "I can't see very far, but God can."] Does this sound like something you have said or felt before? If we haven’t been in that place yet, I’m pretty confident that it’s only a matter of time before we are there too. But the comfort comes in knowing that while we can’t see much from our point of view right now, God sees it all. He sees the big picture, and as Sara says in her song, He “can see something else.” Just like Jesus knew what Mary and Martha didn't: that Jesus chose not to heal their brother Lazarus not because he was careless or mean, but because he knew that it would bring greater glory to God to raise him from the dead instead! (Read about this in John chapter 11.) Oh how we long to know what it is that God sees that we can’t! But if we could see it all at once, we wouldn’t have to trust Him, either. And I believe God wants to use the dark times of our lives to build our relationship with Him. In our darkest hours, it’s what we believe about God’s character that will sustain us. Do we believe that He is sovereign and in control? Do we believe that He is trustworthy? Our answers to these questions are more important than knowing the answers about what tomorrow will hold. I absolutely love what Carolyn Custis James says in her book When Life and Beliefs Collide: “God’s character is crucial, for there are moments in life when God’s goodness and love seem to come under a blackout. No matter how we strain our eyes, we cannot see any good, not a trace of God’s love . . . When faith cannot find something tangible to grasp, we are compelled to fly back to the ark of God’s unchanging, unfailing character. But faith will not find much of a foothold here if God is a stranger to us. Faith, in the final analysis, is trusting someone you know, even when you don’t always understand what he is doing” (page 73). In a devotion titled “Faith Challenged” in Faith Deployed (the prequel to Faith Deployed...Again), Army wife Rebekah Benimoff shares this: “When a young lady who once served on the chapel praise team with me learned that her husband had been killed in Iraq, those of us who served with her were shaken. while some people I knew were certain that God had told them everything would be okay, I had no such assurance. What God told me was quite different. He said that no matter what happens, He would carry me through. And to this day, He has” (page 216). Rebekah was in the dark about her husband’s future, and about her future with him–as all of us are. But she learned to put her hope in the One who is Light Himself. If you feel in the dark right now, trust that God still sees. He cares. And He has a plan for you. Discuss: What do you feel most in the dark about right now? How are you trusting God through this time? Share with us a time when you emerged from your dark period and finally saw what God was doing during that difficult time. What did God teach you through it?

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PTSD

Book Club Day 15: When War Comes Home

[[{"type":"media", "view_mode":"media_large", "fid":"796", "attributes":{"class":"media-image alignleft size-full wp-image-1073", "typeof":"foaf:Image", "style":"", "width":"204", "height":"336", "alt":"FaithDeployedAgain_cover204"}}]]Welcome to the Faith Deployed...Again online book club, Day 15! (Not sure what this is all about? Click here.) In Your Book: Before we begin, please turn in your copy of Faith Deployed...Again to page 204 and read "What God Has Promised" by Pamela Anderson. (If you don't have a book, don't go away! We'd love to have you join us for this discussion anyway!) Now Let's Talk: Today's discussion is led by Jocelyn Green. How many of you could relate to the first line in Pamela's devotion? She wrote: "The man who came home wearing my husband's uniform was not the same man I had sent off to war seven months before." (page 204) I'm sure this is true, to some degree, for every couple separated by a combat deployment. But for some--for far more than we even realize--the changes in the returning veteran are dramatic and terrifying. I wish we could say that Christians are exempt from post-traumatic stress, but we are not. Pam's husband is a chaplain. Other contributors to Faith Deployed and Faith Deployed...Again have also watched their husbands suffer PTSD: Rebekah Benimoff (another chaplain's wife), Marshele Carter Waddell, Rosie Williams, to name a few. (Also read "Not the Man I Married" on p. 72 by Rosie, and "The Roaring Lion" on p. 122 by Rebekah. You can also do a search on this Web site using these women's names to hear more about their personal experiences with their husbands' PTSD.) And I know that if we could have a show of hands somehow in cyberspace, we'd all be sobered by the number of you ladies walking through this valley right now. Maybe you, like Pam in her early days, are praying two basic prayers: "Lord where are You?" and "Please make this go away!" I think we could all understand that! That's why I am so impressed with where Pam went from there. She shares in the book: As I slowly began to realize that I had not been abandoned by the God of steadfast love and kindness, my prayers changed. To my shame, my previous prayer life had possessed undertones reminiscent of Benjamin Franklin: "Lord, make me healthy, wealthy, and wise." Now I followed instead the prompting of Puritan pastor John Owen: "Pray only for what God has promised." On my face before the Lord, I searched the Scriptures for promises to pray. And she found them. God promises that His love never fails. His mercy is new every morning. He hears the cries of your heart. He saves those who are crushed in spirit. All of these are His promises! Finding God's promises in Scripture and claiming them for your own life can have a huge influence on your ability to cope with the current situation. (Read Pam's entire devotion to see how she turned the promises into prayers.) [[{"type":"media", "view_mode":"media_large", "fid":"1097", "attributes":{"class":"media-image wp-image-2434 size-full", "typeof":"foaf:Image", "style":"", "width":"200", "height":"280", "alt":"marshelecartrwaddell"}}]] Marshele Carter Waddell Still, the challenges are huge on a daily basis. We've talked about the foundation of faith to help us through, and now I'd like to include some very practical tips you can use, as well. I'm going to yield the rest of our discussion to Marshele Carter Waddell, the wife of a combat stress survivor with PTSD. (The following originally appeared on Marshele's own blog last October, but she is sharing it with us today, as well. We hope this sheds some much-needed light on a difficult topic!) I had the privilege of speaking at the Worcester Institute on Loss and Trauma near Boston last week. This year’s theme was “Trauma Recovery.” I was the only speaker without a partial alphabet tagged onto my name on the program, the only keynote who spoke solely from “on-the-job training.” Needless to say, I learned much from the bigger brained, degreed presenters and furiously took notes on behalf of you, my sisters on the home front. The most nourishing morsel I gathered was during a session titled “Essentials for Safe Trauma Therapy,” by Babette Rothschild, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. (See what I mean) I sat up a bit straighter and listened more intently when she offered some very practical pointers for helping someone who is swept away in a flashback. A flashback is a memory of the past that intrudes into the present and makes the past seem as if it is actually occurring in the here and now….A flashback can occur as a slight “blip” in time or it can be a memory of an entire experience, occurring in real time just as it did in the past. A person having a flashback does not black out, does not dissociate or lose consciousness. During a flashback, a person’s trauma gets replayed with great intensity. A traumatized person may not be able to separate the flashback from the present reality. When a flashback happens during sleep, we call it a nightmare. A person’s entire nervous system is involved during a flashback. Because you and I love a combat stress survivor, many of us have witnessed our loved one experiencing a flashback. It’s not fun. It’s not predictable. It’s downright frightening. The first time I was present when my husband had a flashback, I felt scared and helpless. I was unprepared for what unfolded. The situation felt out of control, surreal, larger than any of us. I was grateful there were two other men present, both service members, to help us get to the other side of that flashback. I realize I’m preaching to the choir. I know most of you know exactly what I’m talking about. Ms. Rothschild, author of The Body Remembers, stresses the importance of “dual awareness,” the ability to know the difference between one’s internal world and one’s external reality. She emphasized that we, as family members and friends of warriors, can help diffuse flammable flashbacks by helping the veteran re-engage with the present moment. She suggested these practical steps for anyone caught in the flood of a loved one’s flashback: Tell the person he is having a flashback Tell the person to describe objects in the room Ask the person to count the objects in the room Ask the person to notice sounds in and outside the room Tell the person to describe the looks and expressions of others in the room Have the person tell you the current year, today’s date and the time In The PTSD Workbook, author Mary Beth Williams adds the following suggestions. Tell the person experiencing the flashback to: Repeatedly blink his eyes hard Change the position of his body Take several deep, cleansing breaths Hold on to a safe object Wash his own face with cool water Clap his hands Stomp his feet on the floor By engaging his/her five senses, we can help our loved who is experiencing the anxiety to recognize the present as different from the past. One of the best ways to deal with a flashback is to get your loved one outside of his head and into the world around you. The trauma survivor’s greatest need is to feel safe. There is an enormous amount of safety in living in the present. Later, after the dust has settled, be available and open to talk with your loved one about the flashback. Be ready to listen more than you talk. Be non-judgmental, but speak the truth in love. (Sources: The PTSD Workbook, by Mary Beth Williams, Ph.D., New Harbinger Publications, 2002 and The Body Remembers, by Babette Rothschild, W.W. Norton and Company, Inc., 2000) Discuss: Do you know of other important resources for veterans with combat trauma (and/or their family members)? These could be books, Web sites, seminars, conferences, whatever. Please share! Thinking back to Pam's devotion, "What God Has Promised," please share at least one promise from the Bible that encourages you.

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Marshele Carter Waddell

PTSD

Book Club Day 14: The Path to Infidelity

[[{"type":"media", "view_mode":"media_large", "fid":"796", "attributes":{"class":"media-image alignleft wp-image-1073 size-full", "typeof":"foaf:Image", "style":"", "width":"204", "height":"336", "alt":"FaithDeployedAgain_cover204"}}]]Welcome to the Faith Deployed...Again online book club, Day 14! (Not sure what this is all about? Click here.) In Your Book: Before we begin, please turn in your copy of Faith Deployed...Again to page 70 and read "The Path to Infidelity" by Marshele Carter Waddell. (If you don't have a book, don't go away! We'd love to have you join us for this discussion and give-away anyway!) Now Let's Talk: Today's discussion is led by Jocelyn Green. Disclaimer: Right up front, let me say that I know marital faithfulness is the responsibility of BOTH spouses. And I know that for every story of the wife breaking her vow of fidelity, there is another story of the husband having an affair. I get that. But because my books and blog specifically speak to the female audience, I'm using examples from other women, and using pronouns like "she" and "her" and "us." Please don't be offended, and please don't think for a moment that I think the husbands are off the hook when it comes to remaining faithful. In fact, if there are any men out there reading this, all of this can apply to you as well. Now, having clarified that, let's jump in. Nobody ever wakes up one day and decides, out of the blue, to have an affair. That's why, even if you think you don't need to read this blog post, I hope you will. The title of Marshele's devotion is "The Path to Infidelity" for good reason--it's a process. I once heard about a military wife who, during her husband's deployment, simply decided to carpool to choir practice with her neighbor. It seemed like such a practical, innocent decision at the time. But on the way to and from church, their conversations became more and more personal. A friendship developed, then sparked into romance. Eventually, they did have a physical affair. Not every emotional affair becomes a physical affair, but you can bet that every act of infidelity was once an emotional affair. [[{"type":"media", "view_mode":"media_large", "fid":"1096", "attributes":{"class":"media-image wp-image-2428 size-full", "typeof":"foaf:Image", "style":"", "width":"200", "height":"250", "alt":"shannonethridge"}}]] Shannon Ethridge To help us understand more about this topic--affairs of the heart, if not of the body yet--let's hear from special guest Shannon Ethridge, best-selling author of multiple books for women on sexual integrity, sexual intimacy, and intimacy with God. (See her books here.) Jocelyn Green: What is your definition of an emotional affair? Shannon Ethridge: When a woman finds herself going out of way to get a man’s attention to have ego stroked by him, when she seeks to get affirmation from him other than God. This is very common in women, but it’s a myth that men are only physically stimulated, not emotional, and women vice versa. Which drive is primary could be determined by gender. If it’s not physical, is it innocent? It means you have crossed the line. You can be attracted to someone and that is innocent. Just because you’re attracted doesn’t mean that you’ve defiled yourself, it’s when you’re acting on it, trying to make it your own. What’s the danger of allowing an emotional attachment? Wherever a woman’s heart goes, her body will long to follow. The idea that’s its totally innocent, is deceiving. Eventually she is going to want to be physical with him, that’s how we humans are made. The more attached, the more overwhelming the longing to be physical. God says above all else, guard your heart (not your body). I can’t help but think he was referring to emotional affairs. [Tweet "God says above all else, guard your heart (not your body). I can’t help but think he was referring to emotional affairs."] Our hearts are so entangled it can be more destructive than a physical affair. One woman said her husband had sex, but had no emotion, so they didn’t fall in love. What are some warning signs that you may be starting an emotional affair? Obsessing over the person, thinking about him or her far too often, going out of one’s way to get person’s attention. Making up excuses to run into or call the person. Stop contact cold turkey if possible. Not everyone is in a situation where they can do that. If it’s a neighbor or co-worker, for example, it will take time to diffuse that attachment. I do think you can draw emotional boundaries, reel thoughts in, purify relationships. Maintain healthy boundaries. If you find yourself crossing boundaries over and over, then take drastic measures. What affect does an emotional affair have on the marriage relationship? On the kids? The wife starts comparing in her mind the new guy with her husband, for example, thinking of ways her husband doesn’t measure up. She becomes discontent, her husband can’t please her. It wears away trust, intimacy, passion. And it’s a very unfair comparison. No man who you’ve lived with for some time can measure up to a sweaty palm-butterfly feeling. That new feeling isn’t intimacy, it’s intensity. When that wears off, intimacy develops. When there is tension in a marriage, kids see it. That’s going to have an effect on them. All kids want parents to feel loved. Why do people get involved in emotional affairs? What is the attraction? It’s the feeling. Being desired by someone feels empowering. Being attractive to another person. So much of it is based on ego, vanity, insecurity. If we don’t believe we are beautiful (or handsome) by ourselves, if we don’t believe who we are in Christ, we start looking for love in all the wrong places. We can never place the burden of responsibility on our spouse’s shoulders to be our all in all. The emotional affair is not your spouse’s issue, it’s your issue. He didn’t drag you there, he probably didn’t push you there. We have to take responsibility for our own actions. We’ll either turn our energy to husband or outside the marriage. Is it possible to have a one-sided emotional affair with a fictional character or a celebrity? Absolutely. That’s the fantasy life. Not all fantasies are wrong, God gave us the ability to fantasize within God’s boundaries, but when we use that to fuel ungodly desires, that’s where we cross the line. I would say 50-80 percent of emotional affairs are one-sided. Does that mean it’s not tearing away at intimacy with the husband? It probably is. The wife is still comparing. Thank you Shannon for sharing with us today! Before we open up the disucssion to the rest of you, I'd like to bring us back one more time to Marshele's devotion. In the Faith Deployed...Again, she says: The emotional void and physical vacancy caused by the demands of military life leave us hungry for connection, conversation, and companionship. The choice is ours. The temptation is present daily in the lives of military wives. An affair is a real experience or a real possibility we’ve all considered and a powerful lure for the tired, burned out, and lonely ones on the home front. . . . We’ve all wrestled with affairs of the heart, if not of the flesh. We must choose faithfulness daily, hourly, sometimes in five-minute intervals. May we all choose faithfulness today. Discuss: What are some precautions you take to guard against emotional affairs cropping up? What is one thing that Shannon shared in our interview that really stood out to you?

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military marriage

Shannon Ethridge

Book Club Day 13: While in the Cave

[[{"type":"media", "view_mode":"media_large", "fid":"796", "attributes":{"class":"media-image alignleft wp-image-1073 size-full", "typeof":"foaf:Image", "style":"", "width":"204", "height":"336", "alt":"FaithDeployedAgain_cover204"}}]]Welcome to the Faith Deployed...Again online book club, Day 13! (Not sure what this is all about? Click here.) In Your Book: Before we begin, please turn in your copy of Faith Deployed...Again to page 162 and read "In the Cave" by Pam Anderson. (If you don't have a book, don't go away! We'd love to have you join us for this discussion anyway!) Now Let's Talk: The "cave" Pam refers to in the book is an OCONUS assignment, but we can all relate to being in our own place of darkness. In today's discussion, special guest Penny Monetti shares a very personal experience of being in that place in her marriage: I sat in the empty parking lot with closed car windows and yelled at God (yes, yelled), “Why don’t you hear me?” I’ve prayed everyday for months for you to restore my marriage. I thought that’s what you wanted, too! If it is, then why aren’t you doing something? The Bible says not to fear; you are always with me. So, where are you, God? I feel more alone now than ever!” Like the author Pamela Anderson, describes in her chapter entitled, “In the Cave” from the inspirational book, Faith Deployed. . . Again, I was in the bowels of a dark cave. Although it actually took years to arrive at this god-forsaken place, it seemed like it happened overnight. [[{"type":"media", "view_mode":"media_large", "fid":"1095", "attributes":{"class":"media-image size-full wp-image-2424", "typeof":"foaf:Image", "style":"", "width":"500", "height":"333", "alt":"Tony and Penny Monetti"}}]] Tony and Penny Monetti As I shared in Called to Serve: My once "perfect" marriage turned south. Our oldest child was leaving for college out of state. Unattained dreams evolved into bitterness. Long missions, TDYs, and business responsibilities wedged my husband, Tony, away from our family and the quality time to which we were accustomed. Our communication link severed. Tony faced retirement and was striving to control unknown circumstances. Whenever I mentioned touchy issues, Tony grew angry. I bottled my feelings to avoid conflict, compensating by overcommitting my time to several worthy organizations. I became distant and failed to meet Tony’s needs, which caused him to feel unappreciated and unloved. In turn, Tony’s discontent brewed and I grew more distant and depressed. The circle continued as we steadily grew further and further apart. Before we knew it, the word “divorce” seared our daily conversation. We were in a tailspin, plummeting quickly for a marital crash and didn’t know how to regain control. Neither Tony nor I never imagined we would be contemplating a divorce as we pledged our undying love to each other nineteen years earlier. Now we were in a tailspin, plummeting quickly for a marital crash and didn’t know how to regain control. We struggled to remain in a room together for five minutes without fighting. It crushed me that our kids were witnessing the turmoil. Although I prayed, and I asked family members and Christian friends to pray, I did not feel God’s presence. I wondered if God deemed me unworthy since He wasn’t answering my prayers-or so I thought. Although our feelings of love had seemingly disappeared and I felt abandoned by God, I made one of the hardest, life-changing decisions while isolated in the cave. I chose to remain obedient to God and resolved to salvage our war-torn marriage when the world dangled the promise of an easier life through divorce. Tony and I had a history together. At one time, we were each other’s best friend. I knew first hand the collateral damage that divorce inflicted on children. I didn’t need to review the overwhelming statistics (although I’ve included some for those who are curious). I just had to peek into my own backyard; my two sisters and I were adult living proof how divorce emotionally scars children. Despite the popular view that if it gets tough, bail out, Tony and I both chose to honor the “for worse” part of our marriage. Shortly, after much prayer to find a Christian marriage counselor whom we could both relate to, we met a godly man who guided us down the tough road to healing our marriage. The cave served a far-reaching purpose. I look back now at that pitiful, lost woman, crying out to God for help in the parking lot five years ago. I couldn’t fathom why God didn’t instantly answer my prayers. He allowed me to bump and bruise myself while blindly feeling my way through the isolated cave. However, now, I see that the cave served a far-reaching purpose. I learned the importance of blind obedience to God when I didn’t feel His presence even though the Lord had never left my side. First Samuel 24 describes David hiding in an actual cave from King Saul, who was bent on killing David for fear he would take his position as king. Saul enters the rocky cavern to relieve himself (crude, but a necessity, and I love that the Bible tells it like it is), giving David a once-in-a lifetime opportunity to finish off the king. David instantaneously has a life-altering choice to make and only seconds to do so. Does he kill Saul? With Saul dead, the need to hide out like a rodent in caves would be gone. Stress would disappear. Wouldn’t it? David stands at a crucial crossroad. He painstakingly decides to remain obedient to God’s command not lift a hand against His anointed ruler. Despite David’s soldiers’ well-meaning advice to kill Saul, David ignores their counsel and remains obedient to God. I felt an instant camaraderie with David. He felt unheard the same way I did as he desperately cried out for God’s help (Psalm 22). Despite David’s struggles, he chose to remain obedient to God’s commands, and when his prayers felt unheard, David praised God. Reality hit. I discovered that caves are the Rubicon where great life changes occur-good or bad. The choice is ours. We can get depressed and feel sorry for ourselves, or we can obey God’s precepts and praise Him because His promises are true. Like David, we periodically find ourselves in the “caves” of life and arrive at an impasse. Sometimes it’s a gradual process or it may be immediate, like a phone call, a misspoken word, or a turn into the wrong lane, and our lives leap from normality into chaos overnight. We find ourselves alone, pulled from our bright lives into the cave’s pit of darkness where we are pressed to make tough decisions. Well-meaning friends may advise us to take the seemingly easier route, which isn’t normally God’s direction. What choices do we make in that cave? Do we leave our spouse and search for greener pasture? Do we take another drink or pop another pill? Do we slander another’s character through gossip? Do we stop trusting God because of illness, unmet dreams, or broken promises? We can remain obedient to God’s commands and let Him restore and transform us within that lonely cave, or we can choose what appears to be the easy way out, looking to worldly views, which in the end cause destruction to ourselves and those we love most. The road less traveled is usually the tougher course, but it’s the most character-strengthening and rewarding. Had Tony and I not traveled into the “cave,” we would have never recognized our own weaknesses and transformed our war-torn marriage into the healthy union that it is today. If God immediately answered my prayer when I asked, then demanded, the refining process intended to detoxify the impurities that were poisoning our relationship may have never occurred. Instead, God forged a strong fortress-a lifetime union richly blessed with love, but only after choosing to obey God’s commands and trust His direction. Discuss: How about you? Are you feeling isolated as you search for a way out of a cave’s darkness? What crossroads are you facing? Are you aligning your decisions with God’s direction or with the world’s view? God is with you, even if your prayers seem unheard. He is directing your path and offering His hand as you read this. The road may be difficult, but if you stick with God’s direction, His provision, love, and eternal rewards await you. So that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. ~1 Peter 1:7

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military marriage

Tony and Penny Monetti

Book Club Day 12: Moving, Again

[[{"type":"media", "view_mode":"media_large", "fid":"796", "attributes":{"class":"media-image alignleft size-full wp-image-1073", "typeof":"foaf:Image", "style":"", "width":"204", "height":"336", "alt":"FaithDeployedAgain_cover204"}}]]Welcome to the Faith Deployed...Again online book club, Day 12! (Not sure what this is all about? Click here.) In Your Book: Before we begin, please turn in your copy of Faith Deployed...Again to page 158 and read "Moving with Children" by Pattie Reitz. (If you don't have a book, don't go away! We'd love to have you join us for this discussion anyway!) Now Let's Talk: Today's discussion is led by Pattie Reitz. When I originally wrote the devotional “Moving . . . With Children,” I knew another military move was on our horizon. After a four-year stint in Grand Forks, North Dakota, we were fairly sure my husband’s school assignment in Texas would not extend past the twelve months listed on his orders. Sure enough, about a month after my devotionals were sent to Jocelyn for inclusion in the book, we indeed received news that my husband’s next assignment would be Joint Base Elmendorf-Richardson in Anchorage, Alaska. To say we were excited would be an understatement. To say I was overwhelmed with the multitude of details would also be an understatement. One would think that since this was somewhere in the neighborhood of my sixteenth move, I’d have the process down by now. Alas, this was not the case. I still got stressed out with planning what to do with our stuff, the dogs, the vehicles, the travel, the kids, the cars, the paperwork, and the plethora of additional details for an OCONUS move. Additionally, the usual worries about school transfers, whether or not to pursue employment, making new friends all over again, and the fear of having another car accident like we did moving out of North Dakota were all tangled up within my mind and heart as we prepared for a cross-continental move. [[{"type":"media", "view_mode":"media_large", "fid":"1094", "attributes":{"class":"media-image aligncenter size-full wp-image-2419", "typeof":"foaf:Image", "style":"", "width":"425", "height":"282", "alt":"movingout"}}]] Six months later, I can absolutely say that our God is so very good. He provides. In His infinite wisdom and grace, He went before us to prepare a lovely house to rent, and a wonderful chapel community for worship. Both of our daughters enjoyed visits with friends in Missouri and North Dakota over the summer, and I believe it made our move a little less traumatic and helped prepare them for making friends here in Alaska. It took a few weeks to adjust to new schools and a new dance studio, but it wasn’t long before social activities became a part of their lives once again. As for myself, the Lord opened the door for me to enter the college English classroom once again through a Christian university that holds classes on base. What a joy to minister in a new way to the military community, this time through literature and composition. God was even working out details with a medical condition that surfaced during our year in Texas, but which could not be properly diagnosed until we got here to Alaska. As I write this, I’m recovering well from the ear surgery I had over Christmas vacation. I recently came across a book I received through Focus on the Family just after we made our first military move from Missouri to North Dakota: After the Boxes are Unpacked: Moving On After Moving In, written by Susan Miller. I had the privilege of telling Susan in person at the PWOC International Conference in Dallas last year, how much that book had helped me. Paging through it once again, I was reminded of so many good things: “You never grow if you always stay in your comfort zone” (p. 15) “…a cherished friendship never dies” (p. 20) “Remember Rome wasn’t built in a day, and your house won’t be settled in a day either” (p. 33) “Listening is one of the greatest gifts you can give a newcomer” (p. 53) “Don’t feel sorry for yourself” (p. 95) As I talked about in my devotional, "Moving...with Children," our kids can be challenged by the frequent relocations as well. This week I asked Susan Miller what we can do to help them, and I'd like to share with you what she told me: Be aware that your children are going through some of the same feelings and emotions that you are, only they don’t have the same coping skills as an adult. Communication is so important--not only talking about the move, but listening to their questions, concerns, and fears. “Hold hands and stick together”---in other words, let them know you are all in this together, and you’ll get through it together. “Be there” for your children—emotionally and physically. (My book, But Mom, I Don’t Want to Move! covers a lot of this, and more.) Experiencing two military moves inside a 14-month period is not something I would choose to go through again. However, I can say with absolute certainty that God was with us the entire time, protecting us in ways we could not even begin to comprehend. I continue to claim Joshua 1:9 as my military wife life verse: “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Know what? It’s still as true today as it was when my husband told me he wanted to go active duty in 2006. I’m grateful that the Lord is with us, that He knows what it’s like to move, and that He continues to be a part of our lives, even in the intensely cold and breathtakingly beautiful Last Frontier. Discuss: Have you moved recently? Have you focused on the positives instead of the negatives? How do you help your children go through each move?

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